Cold first love.

Love doesn’t choose when to come. For love it doesn’t matter if it is hot or cold, early or late, young or old. It doesn’t come to your door and ask if you’re ready. It just comes in and sits down. But it never comes alone. It brings it’s friend Drama with it. Sometimes Drama just sits and watches, but often it starts making a mess. Breaks hearts and brings tears with it.

My first love came one New Years Eve. It was a huge party and we decided to bail it. We were kids, driving a car with no licence and smoking in the toilet. So we went, far away from the party and we were alone. It was cold outside, but we turned the heating in the car and played the music. It was just two of us and the whole world went silent. He took me in his arms and made me feel loved, made me feel safe. And then it started snowing. It was the first snow that winter. And I loved being in the car while it’s snowing. He knew it. He was my best friend. He knew how I breathe. So he looked me in the eyes and smiled. I was so happy! I wanted to say something, but then he took my face in his hands and said “Maybe if you don’t ruin the moment, just this time? Ha?”. It was our first kiss. My first kiss of love. We kissed for hours, not realizing that for the rest of world the time never stopped.

Our love continued, and grow bigger every time the snow falls. And we kissed with every snowflake we kissed with more passion and love. We waited for snow and said good buy to it, year after year. And it would always start falling at the moment we are together, against the window, in the car, in front of the house when we share a goodnight kiss, every time it was more important for us.

But… When there was no snow, there was something missing. We were good together, but we were not happy. We never made love, but we were in love. I have never felt safe when it comes to sex. He was gentle, patient, he waited. Year after year. As the snow came he became more eager, he wanted me, but I never wanted him. That is when I started seeing other people, looking for what was missing. But I still loved him, so I waited.

Until one winter the snow has whispered in my ear that it was enough. No more suffer, no more fake love. He deserved someone better, someone to love him. Someone who would make love to him. And I told him. With his tear, on his face dropped one snowflake, then another, and another… We fought and I was running away and he was chasing me, but I just wanted more, I needed that feeling back. when the first snow covered out car while we kissed in dark. He deserved more.

I throw the ring in the water that was left from the melted snow few days later and never saw him again. But I do still love him, only my love is too cold for him.




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