Cold first love.

Love doesn’t choose when to come. For love it doesn’t matter if it is hot or cold, early or late, young or old. It doesn’t come to your door and ask if you’re ready. It just comes in and sits down. But it never comes alone. It brings it’s friend Drama with it. Sometimes Drama just sits and watches, but often it starts making a mess. Breaks hearts and brings tears with it.

My first love came one New Years Eve. It was a huge party and we decided to bail it. We were kids, driving a car with no licence and smoking in the toilet. So we went, far away from the party and we were alone. It was cold outside, but we turned the heating in the car and played the music. It was just two of us and the whole world went silent. He took me in his arms and made me feel loved, made me feel safe. And then it started snowing. It was the first snow that winter. And I loved being in the car while it’s snowing. He knew it. He was my best friend. He knew how I breathe. So he looked me in the eyes and smiled. I was so happy! I wanted to say something, but then he took my face in his hands and said “Maybe if you don’t ruin the moment, just this time? Ha?”. It was our first kiss. My first kiss of love. We kissed for hours, not realizing that for the rest of world the time never stopped.

Our love continued, and grow bigger every time the snow falls. And we kissed with every snowflake we kissed with more passion and love. We waited for snow and said good buy to it, year after year. And it would always start falling at the moment we are together, against the window, in the car, in front of the house when we share a goodnight kiss, every time it was more important for us.

But… When there was no snow, there was something missing. We were good together, but we were not happy. We never made love, but we were in love. I have never felt safe when it comes to sex. He was gentle, patient, he waited. Year after year. As the snow came he became more eager, he wanted me, but I never wanted him. That is when I started seeing other people, looking for what was missing. But I still loved him, so I waited.

Until one winter the snow has whispered in my ear that it was enough. No more suffer, no more fake love. He deserved someone better, someone to love him. Someone who would make love to him. And I told him. With his tear, on his face dropped one snowflake, then another, and another… We fought and I was running away and he was chasing me, but I just wanted more, I needed that feeling back. when the first snow covered out car while we kissed in dark. He deserved more.

I throw the ring in the water that was left from the melted snow few days later and never saw him again. But I do still love him, only my love is too cold for him.




Never forget your first love.

When I was a little girl I was trying to imagine love. What is love? How does the love feel? Is there a sign that says love, so you know which way to go and find it? All those questions were hunting me until today, and still I have no answers.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a sign on the way that says “Love –> this way!”. Oh! That would be so easy. Then you take the road that is made with roses and smiles. And in the end of the road there is a person that holds a sign with your name and welcomes you to take you to “the love land”, just in case you don’t miss it.

It would be perfect if it was that easy, but it’s not. You go and you search, you try and you get hurt on the way. It starts feeling like that road is made of thorns and makes you bleed and cry all the way until the end. And then you get there and there are people, staring at you, or walking around confused, people filled with joy and sorrow, and you have to choose. You need to make a decision very fast, so you just pick, a random person, usually the one closest to you at that moment. And just when you think that your travel is done, you see a road made for two people in front of you. Rough and hard access road where you have to go with the one you chose. It can be long, or short. Sometimes easy, sometimes rocky mountain. Often with a separate paths on the way. Until in the end you either start walking on completely different paths, or fall into the cliff and break.

That is when you fell the pain. It starts from your chests and spreads all over your body. Sometimes that fall fells like you are dying. Like someone is holding your neck and pressing, wishing you death. But sometimes you are more lucky and get back on the beginning of the road, the thorn one.

You crawl and climb, cry and laugh, run and go backwards until you get to the spot where new person is waiting to get picked and start the ride with you. Sometimes you get lost in the thorn path and spend years suffering like I did hoping to find someone that will heal you at the end of the road, just to get dissapointed and thrown back to the start. And sometimes you find it – Love! Smiling and with the hands wide spread waiting to hug you, to tell you “I love you” and go with you into the new life. Hugged or holding your hand, never letting you go. Carrying you over the mountains and swimming the oceans for you. Never letting you go!

So… What is love? How does the love feels? Is there a sign that says love, so you know which way to go and find it? The answer is yet to be found. But if you do find it before me, please let me know, so I can show it to the person waiting for me before we start the long ride alone!

The only thing I know is that every love feels like it is your first love, because love can happen only once!